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Valentine’s Day seems an appropriate time to ask:  What effect does being an oldest daughter or being married to one have on this most intimate of relationship?

That’s the interview question I asked several years ago when writing the “Ties that Bind” chapter  of Oldest daughters: What to Know if you are one or have ever been bossed around by one.

Today I looked back at the responses from spouses of both genders, different ages and ethnicities. They follow with a little background info, but no further comment on my part.

Pros and Cons

Michael, 27, and his 24-year old wife met, fell in love and were married when they were both college undergraduates.  Within a few years, they became parents of two little girls.  He talked about what he sees as the pros and cons. 

The biggest advantage of being married to an oldest daughter is that she probably has developed a kind heart, wants to help, thinks of others.  That’s a great trait.  The biggest disadvantage is that if you have a big family, it can take too much away from her own time and needs.

Life Changer

John, 64, describes himself  as a Black male born in southern Arkansas, a former garment-industry worker, and a  machinist for 25 years. He says what defines him is his marriage 37 years ago to his second and current wife. Her birth-order position, he says, changed his life.

I’d probably known her about six months when I found out she was the oldest daughter. With six younger sisters.  When we got married, I realized more what that meant. I was treated like an older brother. It felt good. Though they’re all grown now and most are married, they are still her little sisters. When you marry an oldest daughter, you’re marrying into the head of the family. Responsibilities will come that you may never have wanted or thought of. Even though you may have a family of your own, you have inherited another family, a complete other family.

Love Letter

“Gene,” 65,  is married to an oldest daughter with three younger siblings.  They had been married 42 years when he reflected about how he’d like things to be between them now.  A love-letter, in effect. 

She’s a dynamo—very involved in what’s important to her.  In addition to a significant family business, she has become a pseudo-mother for our pre-school grandchildren. I think she holds on to her responsibilities because she enjoys them so much.  But because my wife is so busy taking care of others, she doesn’t have that much time for me.  I feel anger and resentment.  I would like us to become a  lot more affectionate, and I would like to spend more time with her, to travel and vacation with her.

Understanding

Michelle, 40 years old, grew up with a mother and two grandmothers who was each the oldest daughter in her respective family. Strong modeling resulted. After the failure of a first marriage, Michelle  sought therapy to help understand the why of who she is and what was going on in her life.  

I came to understand how being an oldest daughter affects how I live my life, my relationships, my challenges, my strengths. It has helped me observe and moderate some of the polarities of being an oldest; for example, it’s difficult to be vulnerable, to admit we don’t have it all together.  

Time to Change

“Jag,” 31, and his wife were parents of two children and expecting a third baby when he talked  about what his wife’s birth-order position meant to their family.

My wife is big-hearted.  Sometimes too big-hearted.  She hates telling people,“No.”  She goes out of her way to help.  It’s her nature.  She wants to be there for her family.  I don’t want to change that. But I don’t want her stressing out.  She cannot solve their problems. I think my wife is burned out.  It’s been a long time coming.  If she stops taking (their)  things so much to heart, we’ll have a happier, more outgoing wife and mother. 

CONSIDER

  What being the oldest daughter in your family of origin has meant to your most personal relationships.